This is Not A Fanfic
by CSINut214andScullyAsTrinity
Summary: Our parody totally kicks your parody's ass.
1. Chapter 1

CSINut214's A/N: This was inspired by the "only happens in a fanfic" thread over at YTDAW. We're going to switch off chapters. Leslie, in true Leslie fashion, has started off with an insurmountable chapter. Stay tuned for some crap from me later.

ScullyAsTrinity's A/N: Lauren should shove a turnip up her nose. Hope you all enjoy!

* * *

Sara Sidle, scientist extraordinaire, sat in the very front row of the auditorium. She'd shown up early to get a prime seat; after all, this was Gil Grissom and she'd read everything about him from everywhere. She was pretty much a stalker. But how could she not be? Those salt and pepper curls, deep-ocean/sky blue eyes. 

And he was going to speak at her school? How could she pass up such an opportunity?

The moment he had stepped into the lecture hall, bumbling, confused, her heart clenched just a bit.

He began preparing his slides when his eyes caught upon the brilliant brunette in the front row. Her curly hair, her big, full lips, brilliant smile (though her head was in a book) all tugged at his heart strings. She was without a doubt the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and though he knew nothing about her, yeah, he somehow knew that she could get him into a lot of trouble.

She was sure she'd remember this, remember him forever. And promising herself that, she put every little tiny, itsy bitsy thing to memory so that she could recall anything if, by chance, she had an opportunity to speak about it seven to ten years later.

He did the same.

He set up his presentation and began, trying not to focus on the gorgeous woman in front of him. It was terribly difficult. Just looking at her... she wasn't plain at all, not at all. Everything about her was stunning, she radiated happiness and light and some other nonsense he couldn't place.

When she began asking and answering his questions he found himself enthralled with her brain as well as her body. Such a young mind, such a bright mind and even then he was imagining how she would look in his bed. "That's all for today, thank you for coming."

He began packing up his things, all the while attempting to keep his thoughts off of that vision in the front row, the very front row.

"Excuse me, Mr. Grissom? Doctor Grissom?"

And that voice, the one that had been the source of so many intelligent questions, it called to him. "Yes?" So young, so, so young.

"I had a few more questions." She smiled, gap-toothed and adorable. Dr. Grissom cocked his head and regarded her. "I was wondering-"

"I'm sorry, what was your name?" he asked, leaning back on the desk behind him.

Immediately, she was attracted to him, the long lines, the smile, the smooth, tanned skin. "Sara Sidle."

"Those were some questions, Ms. Sidle." Dr. Grissom said, blushing just a bit. He was so young, so very handsome, rugged, a man any woman would love to have. Sara began to lust right there and she vowed to herself that she would find out more about him.

"Oh, please, call me Sara," she responded kindly, reaching out her hand – one with long, nimble fingers – and taking his hand. Their eyes met and something unspoken passed between them. They weren't sure how long they stood there but when they broke their connection, everyone was gone from the lecture. It must have been a sign; it must have been fate.

"Well, then... you can call me Gil, but just so you know, no one else does."

"Oh, that's fine, I think I'll just call you Grissom."

"Okay." And he paused, switching his briefcase from one hand to the other. "Coffee?"

"You betcha!" She perked up, curls (unruly ones) bouncing around on her head. "Lead the way!"

They ended up at a quaint cafe. The lights were low, very low, and though there were tons of other people there, they felt entirely alone. They were in their own little world, wrapped up in each other. Sara blew on her coffee and stared at him over the rim of her cup.

God, he was captivated by those big, chocolate-mocha-espresso swirl eyes. He could just dive into them and live there forever. Forever and _ever. _"So, Miss Sidle, what do you do?"

"Oh I study physics, you know."

He nodded politely.

Sara just fell into the easy silence that settled around them. She looked at his eyes, his lips, his neck, hands. He didn't seem to notice. And she, well she _did_ notice that there was no little gold band on his left ring finger. Interesting. "I see you're not married."

"No, I'm married to my work." Taking a sip of his beverage, he continued. "You see, I never have time for women in my life. Insects are simply far too interesting." He paused. "My other hobbies include riding roller coasters and quoting dead philosophers all the live-long day."

"Insects, hmm? You're so unique, Grissom, not strange at all." Sara stared dreamily into her chocolate-mocha-espresso swirl. "You know, your lecture, that one hour, opened up my eyes. Forensics is really fascinating. I'd never thought of it." Gil began to smile, enticed by her speech, that incredible Frisco accent. "Because, well, physics, all those numbers, calculations, but now I'm second guessing it..."

"Oh!" He jumped at the opportunity. "Well, here's my card, if you ever want dabble a bit more."

She blushed and hid a tiny smile. "Thank you, very much. Maybe we can exchange emails?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way." He winked at her and drained the rest of his beverage.

* * *

The chuckle from the layout room broke though his reverie. Sara and Greg were sitting together, drinking Blue Hawaiian. Greg was so considerate, offering her a mug. Would Grissom really ever think to do that? Probably not. And she looked so happy, her eyes so expressive, smile so deep and pure.

What was he about to lose? And to Greg? Would he snatch her up like the butterfly she was? Snatch her up in his net, his younger, more virile net?

Gil turned on his heel and finally decided to do something about "this" before he was "too late."


	2. Chapter 2

_CSINut214's A/N: And now, chapter two. Also, to the reader (spongebob) who asked, A Study in Normality is not finished. I just kind of suck at updating._

* * *

"Hey, Griss." Sara leaned against his doorframe, watching Grissom sign paperwork. He held the pen much the way he might hold her – with both strength and reverance. Except that the pen was a lot smaller than she was. 

"Hey," he replied, looking up with utter longing and secret self-loathing. He noticed the long, lilac silk dress she was wearing, with matching strappy sandals, and thought about how beautiful and feminine and special she was.

"How are you?" she asked, thinking back on the years and wondering if he would ever notice her, if he would ever see her as more than a coworker at the Las Vegas Crime Lab, which was under the auspices of the Las Vegas Police Department, in Clark County, Nevada.

"Fine," he said, thinking to himself _No, I'm not fine, I love you and I want to give you smooches and marry you and have your babies even though that's medically impossible._

"That's good," she breathed, remembering how she had come to Vegas for him.

The night shift watched them from the break room, which had a perfect view of Grissom's doorway and office. "Gosh," Greg said, drinking Blue Hawaiian coffee. "I hope they get together soon."

"Yes," Warrick nodded. "What's the pool up to now?"

"Four hundred thousand dollars," Nick sighed.

"Maybe I can somehow push them along," Catherine speculated. "I could take Sara shopping for lingerie, or give Gil relationship advice. I'm really good at relationships, so he'll trust my opinions."

"I'm not sure they're right for each other," Sofia objected. "I mean, it seems like he prefers blondes–" Her sentence was cut off as a giant bear bounded in, ripped her out of her seat, and carried her off, chomping away.

"Anyway," Catherine continued, "We've got to do something about these two. They are meant for each other. It's the sort of 'boy meets girl, boy tells girl he's interested in beauty since he met her, girl asks boy out, he says no, he gets tired and tells a murderer that he couldn't take the risk' storybook love that you never seem to see in real life."

They continued to watch the pair. Greg sipped Blue Hawaiian coffee the whole time.

Suddenly Conrad Ecklie walked in, clubbing a baby seal. "What are you doing?" he roared to the night shift. "Shouldn't you all be working?"

"We're watching Grissom and Sara interact," Warrick explained.

"Yes," Greg nodded, blowing on his mug of hot Blue Hawaiian coffee. "We are staring wistfully at their pure, pure love."

Ecklie spun around, saw Grissom and Sara, and felt his heart grow three sizes that day. "Wow," he said. "It's amazing how perfect a match they are. In fact, in preparation for the day that Grissom realizes he needs her, I have looked through every LVPD employee manual. And I can tell you right now, as long as they are discreet, they can make sweet love all day long. Because, you know, they work at night." He gazed at the baby seal in his arms, and felt something inside him soften. "Run free, little one," he whispered. "Back to the sea, from whence you came."

"Haughaughm," the baby seal barked gratefully, pulling itself out the door.

Grissom watched the seal slide down the hallway, then looked back at the stunning gap-toothed vision in his doorway. "I have an assignment for you," he said at last. "Someone has been murdered on the Strip. Can you handle it solo?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I am an accomplished, dedicated CSI Level Three. See you later."

As she walked out of Grissom's office, Jim Brass walked in. He smiled at Sara, thinking about how she was like a niece to him and how he wanted to protect her always.

"Hey, Gil," he said, plopping down on the large couch that was in Grissom's office but magically did not appear on television. "How are you?"

"Swamped," Grissom replied, motioning to the four-foot-high stacks of paperwork. "What's up?"

"I brought whisky," Brass said, holding up a bottle of amber liquid. "Let's drink it, while we're both on shift, even though you process crime scenes and I carry a gun."

"Sounds like a great plan," Grissom affirmed. "Pour me some of that amber liquid." Together, they drank the amber liquid for a while.

Brass frowned thoughtfully. "You know, Gil, I am a grizzled old detective. I'm around your age, and single, like you. And I am wise in the ways of the world. So I can tell you now, as I drink this amber liquid with you, that you need to start living." He pointed at Grissom, which made his argument stronger. "Sara loves you, and you love her. It's as simple as that."

"Wow," Grissom said. "Your blunt advice has gotten through where six seasons haven't. I think you may be right."

"Yes," Brass nodded. "And now I'm off to interrogate a suspect, even though I just drank a quart of whisky."

On the Strip, Sara was driving to the scene, thinking about blue eyes and bowed legs. Then, all of a sudden, a car veered out of its lane, heading straight for her. "Grissom!" she shrieked, even though he couldn't have heard her.

Back at the lab, Grissom sat right up. "Sara is in trouble!" he cried. "I know, because the hairs on the back of my neck are sticking up in a prickly fashion!" He grabbed his coat and ran out the door. "To the Denali!" he yelled, heading for his Denali and putting the Denali in gear and then driving the Denali toward Desert Palms Hospital. As he drove, an incredibly relevant song came on the radio that reminded him of Sara and how he hadn't taken a chance with her. "Hold on, honey," he whispered. "Hold on."

Meanwhile, Sara was lying in the emergency room. "Ow," she groaned. "Oh, the pain."

"Sara!" Grissom screamed, running in after parking his Denali and then locking the Denali. "Sara!"

A doctor stepped forward, wearing a stethoscope and a somber expression. "Sir, are you looking for an accident victim with big, brown, slightly haunted eyes?"

"I am!" Grissom replied. "Oh, doc, she is my life! Where is she?"

"Well, I can only let family see her. Family or, of course, her emergency contact – a Dr. Gilbert Grissom."

"That's me! Please, show me where she is!"

"Over here," the doctor said, motioning toward the one bed in the ER. "But I must warn you, she is hurt badly. She has shrapnel in her skull, plus she punctured her heart, ripped three holes in her lungs, and dislocated her shoulder. So it'll be a couple of hours before we can discharge her."

Grissom ran to Sara's side, grasping her hand. "Honey? Can you hear me, honey?"

She blinked slowly. "Who are you? Actually, for that matter, who am I?"

"No!" he cried, shaking a fist at the ceiling. "Why, God? Why must you give her amnesia, just as I've realized that I'm head-over-heels in love with her?"

Sara felt something stir within her. _He's head-over-heels in love with me? _Suddenly she was bombarded with images… Grissom throwing dummies off a rooftop... an orchid plant with a card saying _From Grissom_... Bob Barker from The Price is Right... Grissom saying he thought she must have been a smart seventh grader... sitting with Grissom by a rotting pig carcass... Bob Barker naked and holding a hamster...

"Griss!" she moaned. "Oh, Griss! I remember now! Your love for me has cleared my foggy, foggy brain!"

"Oh, honey!" he murmured, choked up with emotion. "Can you forgive an old fool?"

Just then, the night shift crew ran in. They'd heard about the accident through their police scanners or word of mouth or something.

"Oh, my poor little sister!" Nick wailed, letting us all know that he sees Sara as a little sister and not as a hot leggy babe. Warrick and Catherine clung to each other, while Greg sipped Blue Hawaiian coffee with a worried expression.

"Gil," Catherine sniffled. "What is the prognosis?"

"Love," he replied, gazing into Sara's eyes. "It's love, and we've both got it bad."

"Yes!" Warrick cheered. "I won the pool! Pay up, y'all! With this money, I'm going to buy myself a new Denali!"

Everyone grumbled good-naturedly as they pulled out cash and handed it to him. They weren't really that upset, because of the beautiful scene of true love before them.

"Griss?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I love you, Griss."

"I love you too, honey."

"Then kiss me," Sara pleaded.

Staring directly into her soul, Grissom leaned forward and captured her lips softly. She started licking his bottom lip, as if seeking permission for entrance. He groaned and stuck his wet tongue deeply into her mouth. They made slurping sounds of love for a while.


	3. Chapter 3

_Dewds, OMGz, this is ridic OOC. OMGz. Hahaha. Read and review, omgz I luv reviews, plz review or we won't write nemore! K? Plzthx. TTYL!

* * *

_"This is amazing," Sara sighed, held in the delicate cocoon of Gil Grissom's arms. Finally, after years of heartache and emotional abuse he'd admitted his true feelings to her and they were finally together. They made such a beautiful couple and they weren't awkward when they were together at all. They fell into perfect harmony, finishing each other's sentences.

"Say, I'm hungry, how do you feel about breakfast?" Grissom asked, pushing a few strands of shiny, chestnut hair out of her eyes.

She smiled at up him, cheeks dimpling. "Oh, well, sure! You can cook?"

"I most certainly can," he replied with a dignified air. "And, you're a vegetarian, so... eggs?"

Sara's eyes glistened with appreciation. She couldn't _believe_ he'd remembered that she was a vegetarian, how considerate. "Sounds delicious."

Within a few moments, Grissom had whipped up a gourmet omelet, hash browns, toast, and set out coffee, orange juice and milk. Sara moved to the kitchen, her bare feet padding over the cold floor. "This looks amazing, thank you Griss."

He smiled and set the plates of eggs down. "Well, you're worth it. You're worth _all_ of it." Grissom smiled at her, blushed a little. Sara smiled back, all the while admiring his attractive mouth, the gorgeous, straight teeth. "So eat."

Sara sat down at the table, admiring the spread. "So let's talk about something other than work, since there's so much more to talk about."

He was busy pouring red ants and chocolate covered grasshoppers onto his plate. "Yes, well... that new exhibit at that museum... it looks interesting."

"It does, we should go... are you putting _insects_ on your plate?" Sara blinked, a forkful of delicious eggs halfway to her mouth. "You know what? I don't care; I love you so much that I'll watch you eat them _and_ get turned on while you eat it." She ate the eggs and chewed for a minute. "Maybe I can even buy you some. Would you like that?"

"I would love that, Sara," he winked at her and shoveled the rest of the food into his mouth. 'We really are meant to be together for ever and ever,' he thought.

"I'm going out today," he said, taking their empty plates over to the sink. "You can stay here if you'd like, or go home, whichever is easier for you. I just want you to be comfortable, Sara. I always want you to be comfortable with me."

"I do, I am!" she replied, standing up and walking over to wrap her arms around his waist. God, he felt just like home.

"I've loved you forever Griss, from the first time I laid eyes on you; you were beautiful. You _are_ beautiful."

"As are you, my little butterfly, my delicate thing." He turned around and held her in his arms. "I want to keep you forever, right there on my wall."

"Right. I don't take offense to that metaphor at all."

Grissom smiled and disengaged from her arms. As he did so, he felt lost. He was only ever sated when he was in her arms (though they'd only been together for a week, give or take). "Well I'd better get going. We're both on tonight. And, well, we're both off tomorrow."

Sara nodded, wondering why he'd thrown in that last bit; as if she didn't know when she was off. Sure, she didn't sleep ever but that didn't mean she wasn't on top of things. "Okay..." she began hesitantly. "I'll just sleep in your bed, wait here until you get back."

"Perfect," he said and kissed her, tongues dueling fiercely as if she was the Yankees and he was the Red Sox and it was the bottom of the ninth in a playoff game. Neither one of them wanted to disengage (home, home, they were _home_) but they had to, there was living to be done. "I'll be back in a few hours. Make yourself at home."

Before he left, he changed his green polo shirt to a gray one, one that complimented his stormy eyes perfectly. Sara swooned and fell back against his couch and watched the rain outside Grissom's living room window.

She fell asleep on the couch, pleasant dreams of the two of them drifting into her head. Hours later, she awoke, still slightly sleepy, still with the taste of his lips on hers.

"Hey there, sleepy head." Grissom said as he passed a soft, smooth hand over the silkiness of her skin. "I'm back."

"I missed you," she whispered and sat up to capture his lips with hers.

Sara smiled, blinked and dragged her fingers through the copious salt and pepper curls. "Mmm, baby, I can tell," he replied. She looked down at his hands and realized the bounty there. Those bags, the stores that they were from... he must have had a lot of money. Then again, since he had no life, he'd probably saved it all and either invested it or spent it very wisely. Maybe he'd saved it all for a time when he would have someone to spend it on.

In his arms were a millionity gazillion bags, all filled to the brim with gifts. "I got something for you."

Sara blinked two, three times and then grinned brightly. "Are those for me?"

He nodded and sat next to her on the couch, watching as she tore at the gifts.

"Gil+Sara4ever?" Sara exclaimed, bursting into tears, holding the bracelet reverently in her hands. "Gil! Gil! This is amazing. I love you so, so much." She allowed him to take it from her gently and slip it over her hand.

'Hopefully I can do something like that to her finger later,' he thought with gorgeous, deep, glistening eyes. "Dig deeper Sara, you were always good at that."

She grinned ferally at him and dropped a hand into the next bag. "Oh Grissom, an orchid, you remembered. You're amazing. Did I mention that I love you so, so much?" Sara dropped her head to the plant and inhaled the wonderfully fragrant scent.

Just as she was about to dig into the third bag, there was a strange beeping from the other room. "OH! One second Sara, that's the TYY! My mother is calling, you know sign language, don't you?"

Her face brightened ever more when he addressed her. "I learned it years ago when I figured out, all by my lonesome, that you were going deaf."

"You're perfect," he sighed and pranced away.

He came back moments later with a strange device that was connected with a bunch of wires. Sara cocked her head in wonderment and watched as he set it down on the living room table. Gazing closer, Sara saw a transmission of a woman's face on it. The woman was smiling brightly.

"Oh, Gilbert darling! I'm glad you finally gotten together with that lovely woman! You talk about her all the time, dear. You never really know your own feelings and haven't been with a girl in years..."

"This is your mother?" Sara whispered to him, all the while keeping her eyes on the overly wholesome image before her. 'Will she like me? Will she think I'm good enough for her son?' Sara smiled into the Star-Trek like device. 'Hello!' she signed.

'Oh Sara dear!' the woman signed back, Sara understanding every word. 'I'm so glad you finally got Gil to come out of his hermetically sealed condo! He's such a bright boy... you know I lost my hearing when he was very young and he struggled and I'm so glad that someone understands him.'

She smiled and fired back something at his mother so rapidly that he couldn't keep up.

After a few more exchanges, the device shut itself off and Grissom looked at her, shocked. "You knew all of that?" he asked.

"Yes."

"That was amazing! Since when did you know _that_ sort of sign language?"

"Since I met you," she replied huskily, kissing him, knocking the ball straight out of the park.


	4. Chapter 4

_CSINut214's A/N: Honestly, the best part about this series is when Leslie and I call each other up and make the non-writer of the chapter read it aloud to the writer. Too too funny._

* * *

They spent the afternoon watching movies in Grissom's townhouse. He had a vast collection of DVDs. 

"I love the actor who stars in Manhunter," Sara whispered, burrowing against Grissom's solid arm. "He is so mysterious and attractive."

"I prefer the murdered wife in Memento," he commented, winking at the reader broadly. They paused to allow for hearty laughter at the irony, then continued.

"Griss, do you think you'll ever want children?" she cooed.

"No," he said at once. "Never ever, in all of eternity, do I want children. Yick."

"What are you saying!" she gasped, as floodwaters of tears gushed down from her chocolatey brown eyes.

"This baby-making shop is closed!" he roared, much like a lion who didn't want children. Or cubs. "And besides, aren't you the one who always has said she doesn't do well with kids?"

"Yes, but deep in my soul I've harbored a need for them greater than the fiery heat of the sun!" Sara wailed and ran for the door. "Gil Grissom, I wish I'd never met you!" she cried as she fled.

He dropped his head into his hands and wept. Soon after, a migraine gripped his head in a viselike manner, and he swallowed several pills, welcoming the inky blackness.

* * *

A knocking noise woke him from slumber. "Sara?" he murmured, then groped his way over to the door. Never in a million years could he have been prepared for what he saw there. 

"Hello, Mr. Grissom," whispered Lady Heather. "I do hope I've come at a convenient, relevant time."

Grissom shook his head. "No, it's a terrible time. I've just chased away the woman I love."

"You must mean Sara," she said immediately, even though she'd never met or even seen Sara. "I could tell that you were in love with her back when I first met you. Go to her, Mr. Grissom. Go now. Or I'll whip you raw." She walked away slowly, her leather-clad boobs looking fabulous.

"Hmm, I dunno," Grissom murmured.

Suddenly, another figure appeared. "Hello, Mr. Grissom."

"Lurie!" he gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, it took me a couple of seasons to think about what you said," remarked the tall, murderous, Rogaine-using doc. "And you aren't like me at all. Your love for Debbie's twin is pure and true. I know this, even though I never met or even saw Sara. Toodles."

Grissom gaped as Lurie skipped away. _Hmm_, he thought. _I am still unconvinced._

Just then, one last person walked up to his doorway. "Hello, Gil," the man said.

Grissom looked at the man before him, who had curly white hair, blue eyes, a cleft chin, a scar by his eyebrow, and bowed legs. "Daddy?"

"Yes, 'tis I," Daddy Grissom affirmed. "I'm here to tell you that you won't end up like me. You'll be a great, doting, loving father. Go to Sara, who I know all about somehow, and tell her you want children with her. Go to her, Gil."

"I shall!" Grissom cried, running out the door with his arms flailing wildly. "Oh, Daddy, I shall!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Sara had put a tear-soaked letter of resignation on Grissom's desk, and had fled to Boston, Massachusetts. _I'll start a new life for myself_, she thought. _One with respect, and children. Maybe even respectful children, because that would fulfill both requirements in one shot._

She wandered the streets of Boston, going to places such as Faneuil Hall and a Red Sox game. Grissom, she knew, was a Cubs fan, even though he wasn't from Chicago or anything.

_I can't stop thinking about him, even here! _ she lamented internally. Then she bought an Orange Julius and slurped it sadly, staring at the happy couples walking by.

"Woe is me!" she wailed, sounding like she could be a professional singer, like she did when she sang that 'one way or another' line. "Oh, woe is me!"

A tap on her shoulder got her attention. _Griss? _she thought desperately, turning around.

"Hello, Sara."

The woman standing before her was gray-haired, with big brown eyes, a gap-toothed smile, and long legs.

Sara shook her head in disbelief. "Mom?"

"Yes, Sara. It's your mom. You may remember me from such instances as your Lexis-Nexis search, or the time I stabbed your dad to death."

"What are you doing here?"

"Forgive him," Laura Sidle said deeply, referring to Grissom, who she'd never met or even heard of. "Forgive him, for he is your true love." The two women embraced, but it wasn't erotic or anything because they were related. Just then, Sara's cell phone rang.

"Hello?" she said, without checking the caller ID.

"Oh, Sara!" Grissom cried into the phone. "My dearest darling, please don't leave me!"

Sara turned to tell her mother that Grissom was on the phone, but Laura had disappeared into the Beantown crowd.

"Griss, I want to be with you forever!" Sara sobbed. "If you don't want kids–"

"I do!" he shrieked. "It took Lady Heather and Lurie and Daddy Grissom to show me the light, but I do indeed want babies!"

"Hooray!" she cheered, doing a heel-click with joy. "My darling, I will get back on a plane right now, so we can start investigating Applied Psychodynamics in Copulation as soon as possible!"

"Not necessary," a voice said from behind her. She whirled around to see Grissom standing there.

"How did you find me?" Sara gasped.

"I did a flight records search, using the lab's resources, and figured out that you were in Boston."

"Yes, but how did you know I would be standing right in this spot at this moment?"

His eyes darted around. "Uh... look over there!"

She turned. "Where?"

"Oh, I guess it ran away. Anyway, let's go somewhere and make passionate love!"

"Yes!" she agreed, forgetting about the plot hole. "I have a hotel room!"

He held up a bag, filled to the brim with whips, handcuffs, and assless chaps. "And I have props!"


	5. Chapter 5

_**ScullyAsTrinity's A/N:** Raise your hand if you want to look at Grissom's turgid manhood with wide, doe eyes? CMON! RAISE EM!_

* * *

Back at the hotel, Grissom and Sara were preparing to make up. 

He looked at her, his eyes clouded with unspent lust, licking his lips. _She looks like a five course meal_, he thought. _I'm going to devour her_.

"I'd like to... I don't know if this is too much..."

"Spit it out, Grissom," she said, moving from the shadows, the deep blood-red lingerie clinging to her sensuous curves. "Spit it out, baby."

"I'd like to tie you up, or handcuff you, or blindfold you." He said quickly, holding out the objects he had just mentioned. "It's about trust, do you trust me enough?"

"Of course I do, but let's save that for later." Sara sauntered up right in front of him. "Tonight I want to have my wicked way with you."

Grissom shuddered with pleasure. He moved forward and took her lithe, tall, skinny, frame into his hands. Deeply, he kissed her, touching her tonsils. _I've never loved hockey so much!_ he thought, as his fingers passed through her silky tresses. "Oh, I want to take you to bed."

"So do it," she mumbled, her honey voice husky between them.

Grissom dipped and, though he never worked out, had bowed legs and knee problems, he hoisted her into his arms, threw his non-existent hair out of his eyes, tilted his head back and carried her to the bedroom much in the manner of a harlequin romance novel. Laying her out on the bed, he was sure to kiss every bit of her luxurious skin. It was so delicious, spicy and sensuous. It tasted nothing like the decomp she had worked recently.

Though he'd only been toying with her long, lithe, lithe body for a few seconds, she was unbearably ready for him. Sara gasped and sat up. "God, I want you with me _now_!"

"Of course, honey. I love you."

Sara smiled and lay back on the bed. "I'm so glad you said that, we surely couldn't have had sex unless you had."

"We're about to make _love_, Sara," he chided, a delicate hand on her cheek. "Not have sex." And with that, he lowered the zipper on his pants, tore off his shirt and displayed himself, bare for her except for his exceptionally sexy black, silk boxers.

"Can I help you with those, lover?" Sara asked, then sat up and moved forward on hands and knees, divesting him of the material. The boxers were gone and he was unbearably bare before her, an expanse of tan, smooth, smooth skin.

"Oh my GOD, Gil! You're so big," Sara gasped, looking at his gigantic pulsating man-rod of love. She shimmied forward on the bed and looked down at it. It took her a moment for her eyes to adjust to adjust to his enormously thick member.

That was sure to leave her sore.

"Can I touch it?" she asked sweetly and he nodded. Leaning down, she wrapped her hand around him. It seared the skin of her palm; it amazed her. She was such an eager little student, wanting to know how to make him happy.

Grissom gasped, "Do that any longer and this will be over all too soon, since it's been a few seconds."

He positioned himself over her quickly. Grissom plunged into her tight tightness, her burning tunnel of love. She was _so_ tight; a muted gasp came from Sara. She was trying not to scream but he was just so monstrously big. He pushed into her slowly, not wanting to hurt her; that was the very last thing that he wanted.

"OH! GIL!"

Grissom screeched like a hyena. "SARA, MY LITTLE BUTTERFLY!" he coughed. "I wanna set you free!" He thrust hard. "Free!" Another thrust. "Free!"

"Yes, yes, deeper! Release me from my pleasure-net! Or my PLEASURE GARDEN... whichever you prefer!"

It was seconds, it was minutes, it was hours... and after a while, Sara turned her head towards the clock and gauged the time. _We've been going at it for five hours? He's a stallion_.

Just then, she looked into his eyes. What she saw there was passionate and amazing and it made her insides turn to putty.

Sara splintered apart into a million pieces once... and then again and again, as Grissom pushed his steel silkiness into her deep cavernous depths. He watched her face contort in pleasure and the sheer beauty made his thick, wide, long manroot explode like Mount St. Helens, spewing red-hot man-seed into her waiting body.

That was too much – the tsunami-orgasm wracking her body – and she passed out, saying his name on a sigh.

Later, much later, she awoke, her soft, warm body spooned up tightly against Grissom's. It was perfect, it was heaven, and with the sun rising over the hills of Vegas, she thought that just maybe... she could stay that way forever.

Forever and ever and a day.

When her eyes fluttered to Grissom, he was already awake and staring down at her, holding out a mug of coffee and a huge plate of every breakfast food on the planet. "Hey gorgeous, how did you sleep?" He didn't bother asking her if she was all right even though she had lost consciousness hours before.

Sara grinned and kissed him. "Wonderfully. I've never ever slept that deeply or that long." Then a blush arose on her cheeks.

"What?" Grissom asked, voice full of worry. "What's wrong, my precious ladybug?"

"Nothing," she replied, embarrassed. "That was just the first time... I've ever... orgasmed."

"You were so beautiful last night, honey... baby, sweetheart, Sara..." Grissom paused and looked down at his hands. "So... wanna get married?"

"Sure," she said, knocking the food and beverage out of his hands to tackle him onto the floor with a hug. "Oh Gil Grissom, that one night of passion has convinced me you're not such an asshat anymore! Surely I will marry you!"

"You're amazing!"

"Can we have a huge reception and invite people that none of us have heard of? Oh, and we'll have to dance a ton, although I'm fairly certain that neither of us dance... at all. Ever."

Grissom sighed and spooned her again, this time on the floor. "Oh hon, it'll be wonderful. And we'll invite Cat and Rick and Greg and Doc and Jim and your older brother, Nick."

He was toying with her hair and she, of course, was snuggling into him, not minding that the rug was very itchy. "Maybe I can sing! I have an amazing singing voice."

"That… my dear, is a fantabulous idea."

She grinned and rolled onto him. "You know what's a better idea?" He shook his head. "Doing something about _this._"

After their spell of passionate lovemaking on the floor, Grissom reached up to the bedside table where a ring box had been placed by a drive-by plot hole. He presented it to her; and she glowed much like the nineteen-carat emerald-cut platinum ring did.

He slipped it on her finger and she giggled. "This is so wonderful," she sighed, truly thrilled that all of her dreams were finally coming true.


	6. Chapter 6

_**CSINut214's A/N:** This is the final chapter. I have to say, we were worried that other fanfic writers would be offended or mad about this parody, but you have all been so, so nice. Probably because you realize that most of the clichés we're mocking, we've actually used in our stories. A lot._

_**ScullyAsTrinity's A/N:** Thank you for not flaming us for being such assholes. We appreciate it._

* * *

The next night, Grissom and Sara ran into the lab together, holding hands and skipping. They entered the break room, where all of their friends were relaxing, since there weren't any crimes going on. 

"Guys?" Grissom said. "We have something to tell you."

Catherine sat up quickly, her spidey sense tingling. "You're engaged! You got engaged while lying naked on the floor of a Boston hotel room!"

Sara shook her head in wonder. "How do you do that?"

"It's a gift," Catherine shrugged. "So when's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow morning," Grissom replied.

"Tomorrow? But that's so soon! There's no time to plan!"

"We have all we need right here," Sara said, making gooey eyes at Grissom. "Catherine, since you and I are best friends, I'd like you to be my maid of honor."

Catherine burst into tears. "Of course! OMG BFF 4-ever!" The women rushed at each other and hugged, jumping up and down and squealing.

"I'd like you to be my best man, Jim," Grissom said to Brass. "I figure it makes sense, since we're both old and gruff."

"Yes," replied Brass gruffly and oldly. "I'd be glad to."

"What about us?" Nick asked, feeling a little like chopped liver. "What will we do?"

"Nick, you can give me away because you're my big brother," Sara said, sobbing uncontrollably all of a sudden. "Greg, you can be the ring bearer."

"And me?" Warrick asked.

"Well," Sara said thoughtfully, her tears subsiding. "You're an ordained minister, right?"

"Of course," replied Father Warrick.

"Then you can marry us!"

"Hooray!"

"Wait," said Grissom gravely. "What if there is a crime while all of us are at the church? What about the _evidence_?"

"That's where I come in," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone's head swiveled around to see a woman standing there confidently, with her hands on her hips and a little bit of a magical aura about her.

"Who are you?" Grissom asked, in awe.

"I'm the new CSI on night shift," she replied. "I'm brilliant, funny, and utterly charming. And I look just like the writer of this story."

"Just like what?"

"Nothing. Anyway, it's nice to meet you, Grissom. I figured out it was you, because someone told me you're in love with Sara, and you're holding hands with her."

"But how did you know I'm Sara?" Sara asked, gazing in rapture at the newcomer.

"I know everything," the woman said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "But I've got to run; Ecklie's coming this way and I've got to say something sassy to him."

"Wait!" Greg called as she started to leave. "I didn't catch your name!"

She strutted down the hall, yelling over her shoulder, "They call me Mary Sue!"

"She was great," Catherine said. "I love her."

"Me too," everyone chorused, stopping a moment to reflect on how cool this new girl was.

* * *

The next morning, the church was packed with people. The whole crime lab had turned out to see the wedding of the century. Luckily, Mary Sue was managing all the jobs with skill and spirit. 

Greg walked down the rose-petal-strewn aisle, holding a satin pillow with two platinum rings atop it. Then Sara appeared. As she stepped onto the aisle, a collective "ooh" arose from the guests. She was wearing a beautiful, white silk gown, and her hair was up, with delicate ringlets framing her face. A four-million-dollar diamond tiara topped her head (Grissom did know how to invest in the stock market, after all) and on her feet were diamond slippers, handcrafted to mold perfectly to her dainty feet.

"She looks exquisite," Ecklie said, applauding wildly. "Look at her swanlike neck!"

"I'm so proud!" murmured Ecklie's date, Laura Sidle, which made no sense and was not explained at all.

By the time Sara reached Grissom, he was weeping openly, the salty tears of joy darkening the blue shirt that he'd picked out to go with his oceanic eyes. "Oh, my one true love!" he cried, fanning himself with a handkerchief. "I am so lucky that she gave me a chance, even after all the mind games I put her through!"

"Dearly beloved," Father Warrick began. Then he said, "You may kiss the bride." There was other stuff in between, but I didn't want to do any research on how marriage ceremonies actually go.

Grissom dipped Sara low, planting a soul-searing kiss on her lips that made half the audience pass out from emotion. The other half cheered as the happy couple ran down the aisle.

* * *

That night, after Grissom had carried her over the threshold into his townhouse, Sara looked at him tentatively. 

"Gil..." she began.

"Oh, how I love it when you call me Gil!" he shrieked with joy.

"Gil, I have something to tell you."

His sky-blue eyes widened in alarm. "You want a divorce?"

"No–"

"You have a brain tumor?"

"No–"

"You think Mary Sue is the coolest person ever?"

"No– I mean, yes, of course she is, but that's not my news." She took a deep breath. "Gil, I'm... pregnant."

He stared at her in shock. "But we only had sex two days ago!"

"I know," she nodded, taking his hand. "That's what I said to the doctor, whom I saw in the thirty seconds while you were in the bathroom at the reception. He said that the startling potency of your sperm is probably due to your colossally large manhood."

"That makes sense," he said, thinking about his gigantic love-phallus and how it could probably be seen from outer space.

"There's something else," she murmured. "Griss... we're having twins."

Grissom fell to his knees, overcome with utter joy. "Oh, honey! I am truly the happiest man alive!"

* * *

_Ten years later_

* * *

Grissom sat alone in his hermetically sealed condo, wondering when it had all gone wrong. Everything had been so perfect, as they'd planned for their future and kissed each other's noses dreamily. But now she was gone, and all he had to keep him company were the crushed hopes of his past... 

He woke up in a sweat, panting heavily.

"Bad dream?" Sara Sidle-Grissom asked sleepily.

"Yes, and it also served as a plot device," he commented as his pulse slowed. The two of them were lying on the porch swing of their home on Lake Mead, watching the sun set over the water. Sara, who didn't look a day over thirty, was nestled securely in Grissom's arms. He smiled, running his hand through his salt-and-pepper curls, which were still not gray even though he was sixty.

"Life is so sweet," he sighed.

Just then, two kids ran out of the house. "Daddy, can we go swimming?"

"Well, that depends," Grissom mused. "Billy, did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, who had brown curly hair, robin's egg blue eyes, and a gap-toothed grin. "I also made a preliminary chart of the life cycle of the blowfly. Because I'm really interested in bugs. Like you."

"Great," Grissom smiled. "And Jorja, did you put away your toys?"

"I sure did," said the girl, who had brown curly hair, sapphire blue eyes, and a gap-toothed grin. Because gapped teeth are genetic. "I also volunteered for a local women's crisis center, because I am passionate about such issues."

"Then you can both go swimming," he said generously.

"Wahoo!" they cheered in twin-like unison.

"Last one in is a rotten egg!" Billy yelled, running toward the lake.

"Hey, since when do you run so fast?" Jorja demanded, taking off after him.

"Since I met you!" he cried, jumping off the dock. She was able to hear him, since neither of them had otosclerosis... yet. 

Sara chuckled as she watched them. "Oh, Griss, I'm so glad you decided you 'knew what to do about this' after all."

"Yes," he replied. "Deciding to 'take the risk' and 'pull my head up from that microscope' was the best move I ever made."

"Tell me," she said, "do you have a relevant quote for this scenario?"

"I do," he assured her. "My quote is: _Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness_."

While the sun set upon the water, and the sound of their clone-children's laughter filled the air, Grissom and Sara shared one long, beautiful kiss, which was filled with love and happiness and joy and affection and magic. Then they had some smutty, smutty sex.

The End.


End file.
